PostComps

So its like 2 am. And i'm restless. My spirit is so restless. I should be exhausted. Last week was amazing. And when I say amazing, I mean God made miracles happen. For one, I passed comps. Now, everyone is saying I"m being hard on myself. But truth is, I would have failed me, if I were my advisor, and had known how much I knew. But she said, "your presentation was excellent--you speak very well-- your paper was well written...though you could have been better prepared fo the question and answer session." Dude, I didn't prepare for that section much. In fact, I started prepping on Thursday night.

I want to thank my wonderful friends for your support. And if you didn't come, I forgive you! ;) you know who you are.

Heh.

So then I went to the opera. I wasn't feeling the opera. ON the way home, it hit me like a wave. It was the wave I've been telling you about. I was overcome with grief. I can't explain it well. But it was a realization of my time here at Carleton is almost up; God's mercy, my wonderful friends, my heartaches, my struggles, my pain, my joy. It was like a rush of silent wind. And I looked into the future. I was overcome with fear of loneliness. I am so scared. I am about to start my life. For real. And I feel so alone. I know God is with me. But I feel sooooooo alone. Its just me.

I feel like I am in some sort of mourning stage. I think its good. Because I've been holding it back for some time now. I need to let things go, and let God work. I have to trust Him with my future. My whole future....my grad school experience (btw, I have sort of accepted U of MI Ann Arbor), my finances, but even most importantly.....that one guy. I always wanted to have known him. to have known him at carleton...i imagined going to the midwinter ball, and being swept off my feet! roses, and dinners, and walks. i wanted to grow with him. to live this time with him. i have loved so much. but.....how can i love that which is never returned? that is the story of my life.

usually, at this point, i would weep. but i think all the tears are gone.
i have cried too much over this one thing. God, I give this up to you.