sheepies
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run snarmi run!
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azra baji's wedding
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my backyard in the summer
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american born confused pakistani cherokee mohawk french bengali italian swede
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sunshine
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time eclipse
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Wings to Fly

"time on wings will take its flight, and leave our dreams transcending."

Here it is folks. It seems I have nothing but reminescence to offer. There I was, this young, innocent creature, ready to start something big. There's even something gleaming in my eyes. Mischief, laughter, and excitement.
(explanation: its a photo id taken on my first day at carleton--as a froshling)

I broke my id card, and had to go get a new one. and then i had to get a new picture. Yep. its like a before and after shot. i wish i could show you the change. my eyes are tired, have lost their excitement. is it just because its winter? sigh.

what have these four years done to me?

SOREN in the sky, like a diamond

This entry is dedicated to my brilliant buddy Soren, who is going to give me one of his acceptance letters to grad school, preferably Harvard, and allow me to compose a refusal of acceptance letter, in order to open up a spot for yours truly. Soren, my soaring diamond, let me extend my sincere apologies for not gracing you with my companionship to the hockey game. I had a hot date with Yersinia. But, I have broken up with Yersinia, Yersinia smells like Rattus rattus. I have pleaded with Yersinia to mutate and become independent of Rattus rattus, and, alas, I know now where Yersinia's truest affections lie. Xenopsylla cheopis and Rattus rattus have stolen Yersinia from me forever. I have now secretly alligned with Anti-envelope antibodies (F1), and together we will opsonize India, allowing Mr. Macrophage to phagocytosis Yersinia.

To be continued......

clarifications

okay, due to popular opinion, i should prollie clarify.

the last entry, tide is turning......
there are three sections. the first and last section are related, the middle has nothing to do with either of these. the middle section: the girl is not me, nor is the other guy involved with the girl. and the girl is not you.

the last section is a dream. the rest is real.

Tides are Turning....

I hear the sound of a wave of salty ocean spray and it is about to splash itself upon me.

I'm not sure if I can let go of my fear. Should I run?

Dear God, do not let my friend disappear within herself. Open the door for her, and call her in. Oh God, her life is so precious. When she hurts, it kills me. I can still see him, with a gun, his eyes glazed over with loss of life. I prayed God that you would stop him, I prayed with all my heart. For God, it was only You who could do this, I could do nothing. You were there where ever his feet took him, and I knew I could not be with him always--like You-- I could only pray. How I hated those who broke him to this point. But You, oh God, You have always proved Your faithfullness. And now, she is fighting. I am helpless to soothe her pain. God, take her heart and heal her wounds. Save her too, from those that would take from her the Joy which she deserves.

We are in this place together not by accident. I have met you for a reason.

I remember. We were sitting on this park bench, the sounds of children playing, and we looked out towards the setting sun. And I turned to you, and asked you where it went when it set, and you smiled. Our house was made of bricks, and red roses surrounded it. The sounds of ocean were no longer feared. I have dreamt of this.

MidWinterBall
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My friend Smars (Samara)

If you--as my devoted tigerlily7 fan--happened to look at my entry on Joy, you might have noticed a lack of love...er...rather, any mention of V-day. Hmmmmm....I do have some thoughts. really. I do. but for now, in the interest of saving time, go visit Smars' blog...she's my dear friend. i don't know how this works, but lets' see if i can dot he HTML thing http://orwhathaveyou.blogspot.com/

Joy

"Most assuredly, I say to you that you will weep and lament, but the world will rejoice; and you will be sorrowful, but your sorrow will be turned into joy. A woman, when she is in labor, has sorrow because her hour has come; but as soon as she has given birth to the child, she no longer remembers the anguish, for jot that a human being has been born into the world. Therefore, you now have sorrow; but I will see you again and your heart will rejoice, and your joy no one will take from you. And in that day you will ask Me nothing. Most assuredly, I say to you whatever you ask the Father in My name He will give you. Until now, you have asked nothing in My name. Ask, and you will receive, that your joy may be full..."~John 16:20-24

I have no idea why, but I was having a dreadful day on Sunday. I was not looking forward to Monday, and I was behind on comps. BUT then, I talked to my younger brother, Hammad--and he made my day worth it. I decided that no matter what happened on Monday, I would have that joy from talking with him. AND then, I got some...sigh...bad news...the next day....Okay, so I got rejected from U of Pitts. It ALMOST ruined my day. I was seriuosly on the verge of tears in class (actually, they were brimmin full). Ha, it was funny, because in class we were talking about desire, and relationships, and I was desparately trying not to cry (i had read the reject letter like right before class) so if someone saw me, they would have thought I was crying about the discussion! heh. On a side note, I was quite disappointed--to say the least--about our conclusion in class--that love doesn't overcome certain things. Baloney squaggle! let me tell you about what Paul says to the Corinthians! I may be naive, a bit too much of a romantic, but LOVE does conquer! I must believe this, I owe it to my mother. Anyway, so I was upset, right, and I moped around all day....Took this pity nap, and then, ANOTHER blessing---I got to talk to both Abdullah and Omaimah! my younger sibs who i haven't talked to in.....too long! I miss them so much. OH I wish I could see them! they've grown up, and are doing awesome things. such smart sibs i have. i know Paul would rebuke me, but I am SO proud of my brothers and sisters!

Okay, so, it doesn't end there.
Worship was great that night, but the next day, that would be today, IMRAN called!! total excitement! Imran, I miss you sooooooo much, you have no idea.....thank you for your prayers. and i am praying for you.

Then i get this other phone call about a job offer....YES. indeed, if I accept, which I haven't yet, I will be teaching both an Infectious Diseases course and Pre-Medical course either at Wellesley or Yale this summer!!!! Totally awesome.
So the take home message: I was quite sad for a moment--in much despair--and it was over just like that. This Saturday, I had prayed for encouragement, and I received it. God is so good to me!

I just got back from this induction ceremony....sigma xi....and i am so stuffed on cheese cake. anyway, so i'm gonna go back to my draft writing.....bleh, me want to watch a movie....:)

edit edit

I do love my friends! You are all such a comfort and a blessing to me! Cheryl—you are amazing, and you bless me with your kind words. Edaeni, you always encourage me to think differently, and I gain so much from your insights. Rashi—we share so much, our struggles (shyness!), our lows and highs. Smars—your strength and humor, and directness. Nakina—your beauty, and persistence, and determination. Kilang and Priyanka—your dedication, your leadership, your boldness, your kindness. Leslie—your forgiveness, and strength. Josh—your hugs, your voice. Tyler—your tickles and cookies! Sooms—your songs, and passion. Oh, and I could go on.
You bring me back to goodness. There is so much of it in you.

And, with that, I need to do some study on goodness. It is my topic this week. Teaching on goodness. Come to sola script!

FASHION show! (heh, i stole your picture Rashi!!!!) Nakina, Samara, Edaeni, Me, Rashika
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Flying elephants

my head is awfully big. and i'm not photogenic.

I used to wear flip flops in the winter. When it was below zero. I was a frosh, what can I say?
Yep.

I used to hate brocoli. Bleh to lemon juice yummy!

Cows terrified me. Mooh.

And my intro bio prof scared the livin daylights outta me. "energetics of what?"
I thought I'd share an email dialogue I once had...Or two.....This would be from my freshmen year. Heh. Good times.

to: rossow55@

"my roomate actually was gonna set me up with this dude named ****- who is a complete drunk, he's really cool, but he's a drunk nonetheless---and i threw a fit! then i started thinkin about what we were talkin about, i thought he could be a good subject to study!! jus kiddin. needless to say, she didn't set me up with him, and i'm in the dark as to who i'm with."
(screw your roomate...)

to: babara@carleton.edu
from: rossow55@
"If you expect me to write as much as you did you can forget about it you dork. The meaning of life? sex, drugs, and rock'n roll. Well maybe not so much. I think you should go after that drunk guy "****". He sounds kind of drunk. I'm sure that you two will be perfect for each other. you should go after drunk ****"

here is my drinking essay:
After closely observing many different kinds of subjects i have foung that drinking may be some sort of vaccine for cancer. since none of the subjects drinking have ever had cancer nor seem likely to get cancer in the next few days, i have concluded that a person should drink excessively if they don't want to get cancer. furthermore, if a drunk person(****) wants to get jiggy with you then you should go for it because even if you don't drink then....."

to: rossow55
"Yes, I know that beer cures cancer, i discovered that decades ago--where ya been man?
tomorrow is da big day, with ****, i mean,,,,actually i'm completely confident that this date- with whoever-will be a complete flop! i'm in a pessemistic mood....grrr! i hear someone bangin on my door"

to: babara
"hey amenah do you know anything interesting? i do but i'm not going to tell you because i don't trust you because you .... i .... too-i just changed my religion. what have you been up to at cool carleton college. do you have any friends? how was thanksgiving-did you give thanks that you know a cool person like me. when am i suppose to come visit you. i'm real interested in meeting all those weird carleton kids-you fit there perfect. so would I. i don't have much interesting to say so i might as well just ramble. well i have to go eat and go to class so i will ramble on later tonight"

NEXT dialogue:
from: a high school teacher
Hola Mariela!

I've got some hot gossip I thought you might like to hear...Willow River is eliminating 5 teachers next year, yours truly included. Apparently there isn't as much money as Mr. **** told everyone, and the administration has decided to make some cuts. The Spanish program is finished. There are rumors that it may be available ITV, but you know how effective that will be. I thought you might be interested to know, but I'm also hoping that you might be willing to write the administration and tell them your view. They need to know that a real teacher in the classroom is more effective than a television, and while I can scream it at the top of my lungs, the more people I can get to tell them the same thing, the more hope I have of them actually paying attention.

MY LETTER TO THE SCHOOL BOARD:
Amenah A. Babar
300 North College Street
Northfield, MN 55057
(507) 646-4890

April 8, 2002

Dear Willow River School Board, Teachers, Educators, Parents, and to Whomever Else it Concerns:

I was recently informed that you are eliminating the Spanish program from your academic curriculum, as well as laying off several of your teachers. As a former graduate of Willow River and a freshman at Carleton College, I was appalled. I strongly suggest you to reconsider your decisions on these important matters.

First of all, Language, Science, Math, and History should be priorities in all schools. By cutting financial support towards these areas, you are not only cutting your children's education, but you are also giving them the message that these areas are not important. If you continue to conveniently cut your language teachers every time you have financial difficulties, you are sending out a clear message to your students, "It is not important to learn another's language. We only need to know our own." In doing this, you will also need to take the responsibility of the fact that you have not adequately prepared your students for a multi-cultural world and society. In a small, predominantly white society like Willow River, it is extremely hard to learn about other cultures and languages. The majority of the students at Willow River have no opportunities to diversify their education other than by taking a language course. If your students do not know about cultures other than their own, how will they be able to understand another person coming from a different society?

Secondly, your solution of replacing a teacher by a television, to put it bluntly, is ridiculous. I took my first Spanish course over ITV, along with two years of Calculus, so I feel I am more than qualified to talk about this subject matter. I appreciated my teachers over ITV, but to be honest, I think I learned about a quarter's worth of education from both of them during one year. I am in no way questioning the integrity of my teachers, but rather I am questioning the actual use of a television to teach a student. Since I'm almost positive that most of you have watched T.V. at some point in your lives, I don't think it's a stretch for you to try and imagine what its like sitting in a room with a teacher in box, talking in another language. Then picture with me students falling asleep, students cheating on exams, students talking to each other about their social lives while the teacher can't even hear them, students drawing and doing other homework, students leaving the room, and I think you get the picture. These things and more happened during my Spanish ITV course. When **** came to Willow River for my second year of Spanish, we were not only not prepared, but we were still pretty much at a first year level.

Lastly, I think it's a shame that every time this school district gets an excellent teacher, or an excellent administrator, this school district finds some way of getting rid of that person. ***** was the teacher I learned the most from in my senior year. She not only took time to teach Miss ***** and I about the Spanish language, but she involved us in cultural activities that enabled us to understand the history of Spanish people as well as their current ways of life. She challenged us to start thinking in Spanish, to read in Spanish, to speak in Spanish, and to talk in Spanish. Even though I dreaded the days we were only allowed to communicate in Spanish, I appreciate them so much now, when my Spanish teacher at Carleton College will only speak in Spanish. ****was not only my teacher then, but was and is my friend now. She continues to keep in touch with me over e-mail, and encourages me to ask questions about Spanish as I struggle with it here at Carleton. **** gives of herself not only in school activities, but gave up her personal time and money to spend with the Spanish Club members. I think you are making a big mistake by allowing her to even get an inch out of your sight. You will regret this decision big time.

.... When I mention ITV to them, they look at me blankly. When I explain it to them, their response is, "That sounds really cool, but only if you don't want to learn." And that sums it up. If you really don't want your students to learn, go ahead. Continue to regress in education while spending millions of dollars on sports. But be prepared to discover that your students will be ten years behind all other schools and will have to struggle twice as hard to keep up with the mainstream.

Sincerely,

Amenah A. Babar

rossow's response:
amenah there are plenty of errors in your argument. first of all millions of dollars are not spent on sports. you make it sound like extracirricular activites are worthless also. this is a very important educational tool-its life man. the students weren't forced huh? those teachers put peer and power pressure on them to make it to that meeting. they were forced or be ridiculed. history a priority? if you would have read ******'s letter you would have read that cuts are also necessary to put a larger effort in math and sciencedon't think the school thinks these two subjects are worthless. ***** is not a good teacher. she might have been good to you and ***** and some of us spnaish II's but she was horrible with the younger crowd. getting rid of her doesn't mean ITV it might mean a better spanish teacher. a person who hates kids like *****shouldn't teach i.e. *****. stop saying we are getting rid of them for financial difficulties. they suck and if their tenured we have to live with them. teachers will not be in fear of coming to willow. there are plenty of good teachers out there. someone awhile back just couldn't tell a good teacher from a moron. amenah you can't think with your emotions. if they get ITV i think that would be bad too. i am still scared of ****.


my letter was then read at the meeting, with the WHOLE town listening.

I am soooooo ashamed!!!
but i got a standing ovation. yep.
i was a complete dork.

This is what a journal is for......?

Imran is in Bangalore. If it weren’t for the fact that I should prollie try to graduate and pass comps, and if tickets weren’t so expensive, I’d be with him. Blast it. This week it just really struck me how I won’t be seeing my best friend for a loooong time. I mean, he’ll be in India for the next 6 months, and then at Yale for the next 5-6 years. Dude, if you don’t know Imran, you are really missing out. People ask why we are such good friends, I mean, he’s my brother, right? Imran is about one of the most humblest guys I know—one of the wisest, and kindest. Really, though, to describe him, words just don’t do him justice. I wish our dad could see how wonderful he has become. He is one of the best sons one could ask for. Just ask my mom. We’ve been through soooo much together.

I want to be real in this entry. There’s so much that has happened. But I can’t find the words. I could bore you with the mundane surface things that have occurred; yeah, I’m back at Carleton, taking classes….learning lots. How ‘bout telling you how I took a battery out of a car, and got it working again? (with some help of course!!) I’m successfully avoiding my comps. I haven’t prioritized, as usual. I’m being a bum, deadlines approaching….hey, did I mention I’m applying to grad school?? Ha ha!

Well, I am. You know, I have seriously doubted my abilities, all my life. And I didn’t want to apply, because I was afraid that I would never even get a chance. But I’m doing it. I think it was the fear that I would never know. Honestly, although public health sounds sooooo appealing, and combines my loves for teaching, medicine, and international stuff—I could actually just settle for not getting in. I am not worried. I’m just gonna give it my all, and wait to see what happens. I memorized soooo many words for the GRE two days before I took it, just forcing myself through that experience was worth it. You know, I’d be fine just being a house wife. Really. I would. A mom. That’s what I want to do with my life.

My father’s wife called. It was the day after Christmas. Apparently, my aunt’s husband had died. I woke up with such a start at the sound of my mother’s voice on the phone, saying the Muslim greeting. I was paralyzed with fear. Fear that something dreadful had happened to my father. But I forced myself to get up, to go hear what could have been. I spoke with her….She asked me all sorts of questions about my life. It almost seemed as if my father was prompting her to ask, while he listened silently on another line. “Oh, yes, your father loves you,” she said, “he misses you, and thinks of often. He prays all the time for all of you. You will always be his children. He loves you.” I love him too. “Do you need anything?” no. “Now don’t be bashful, its winter….Some clothes?” no, no, I don’t need anything. (to myself, yeah, want to pay my tuition bill? How ‘bout all the other things I need!! what about taking care of my mother? Helping my brother, my sister?) “what are you planning on doing next year?” (I almost think she was going to ask me if I was engaged, or dating)….sigh. so many questions.

4.5 years of silence. Do you ever think of me, Dad? Do you love me? Are you proud of me? Are you well? Why, Dad, why? You would be so proud of Imran and Azra. Imran got accepted into Yale, Dartmouth, Harvard, Stanford, MIT, Columbia… He took a year off to take care of Mom. And now he’s doing service in India. Azra is a doctor. She’s gone to Africa, to help women who walk for miles to come see her. She’s comforted the sick, the helpless, the hopeless.

She hangs up. And calls back two minutes later. “what is your phone number at Carleton?” ###-###-####. “now, do you need anything?” no, really, I don’t need anything…(I’m crying.) “don’t be silly, you are still a child. What do you need?” I am fine, thank you. (I’m 21 years old. Where were you when I graduated? When I went to prom? When I got straight A’s? When I learned how to shoot a rifle for protection? I was 12 then. How bout when I shot the winning point? Or acted in Annie? Or PRed in track, running my best 800 meters? Or sang my first solo, played my first saxophone solo, accompanied choirs? Or cried when a boy threw sand in my face, or when Daniel asked me why I washed my face with dirt? I was six then. I was a child then. I don’t need $. Or things. God has provided where you have not. )

I don’t even remember you ever telling me you thought I was beautiful. Every father tells their daughter this.

I love you Abu, I still love you.

driving away

WOW.

The last two weeks have been a complete blur.

I don’t even know where to begin.

I feel like my life has gone 180 degrees to the left. No, I’m not a liberal yet.

So, I risked my life coming back to Carleton. It was a terrible snowy day. And I knew I could have waited one more day. I just couldn’t think at home, and I needed to leave. So there I was on the road, barely able to see, sleepy after helping out all day at my mom’s new year’s party, severely illogical, emotional, and determined. It was a miracle of God I made it to Carleton…In 4.5 hours of nearly having a nervous break down. Why didn’t I just stop, you ask? I have no idea. Could have been that I couldn’t see where in the world I was, and I didn’t want to just sit on the road. Could have been my stubborn, bordering on crazy, personality. Perhaps something else…..

In Cheryl’s bed over break, I had two dreams. The first one, I dreamed I was facing off with Satan. Yeah, you heard me. People were running away from him, and I was tempted to go with them. But I knew I had to fight him and get it over with. (sometimes in my dreams, I wake up subconsciously, and take over my dream…..if I have a dream where I get shot, I wake up, and bring myself back to life…only a fraction of people can do this, I’m told). So I fought with Satan. Freaked out, after I awake at 3 in the morning, I get out my bible and start reading…….

“He has no form or comeliness; And when we see Him, There is no beauty that we should desire Him. He is despised and rejected by men. A man of sorrows and acquainted with grief. And we hid, as it were, our faces from Him; He was despised, and we did not esteem Him. Surely, He has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows…. ‘Do not fear, for you will not be ashamed; nor be disgraced, for you will not be put to shame; For you will forget the shame of your youth……for a mere moment I have forsaken you, but with great mercies I will gather you. With a little wrath I hid My face from you for a moment; But with everlasting kindness I will have mercy on you,’ Says the LORD your redeemer, ‘For as I have sworn that the waters of Noah would no longer cover the earth, So have I sworn that I would not be angry with you, nor rebuke you. For the mountains shall depart and the hills be removed, but My kindness shall not depart from you, nor shall My covenant of peace be removed.” Isaiah 53, 54

December 13^th, 2005.

The next night I dreamed the same dream again. And I fought. I’m not sure if I won.

But I think I did.

You think I’m crazy. Well, you’re the one who’s reading this.

In the past three weeks, I cried, wept, sang, searched, moved forward and backward, refused to be soothed. I wish I could tell you more. And then this whole earthquake bizness. How could I have been so self-involved? So full of my own despair, and yet, thousands losing their lives at that very moment—and now.

Is God in control? Yes. I would be lying to you if I said He wasn’t. If He wasn’t, I wouldn’t be here, alive, writing this. Maybe you wouldn’t be here either. So why me?

Why is my life spared?

It will take a miracle of God for me to get into grad school. But that’s what I’m living for. God’s promises.

That was then, this is now

In 2000, that would be four years ago for all you math majors, I was torn between heavenly happiness and complete, utter fear. Yes. This same day to be exact. Why? Well imagine with me, will you, a diffident teenage girl, with all the teenagish things—yes, I'm talking about math, football games, and teenage boys—filled with uncertainty of her future. Nope, I'm not talking about college, either. Speaking of college, this silly child had waited to the last minute, I mean the last minute, to start typing up her applications. Three to be exact. One to St. Scholastica, the other to Macalester (neither of which I had any intentions of going to), and the final to...Well, you know, Carleton. In fact, I think it must have been around Jan. 13 that this same child walked out to place her application in the mail box, when a huge gust of wind filled with snow, blew that fourth draft (and when I say fourth, I really am referring to typed mistakes—i actually never “revised” my application) of an application right out of her chilled grasp, and blew around her sheets from her unsealed envelope. Frustrated, she ran around on ice, frantically trying to save her application. One that she refused to retype. Shrugging, she picked up the wet application, and shoved it back into the yellow envelope, ink blurred, addressed to Carleton College—Office of Admissions. Ha. And now I work there. AND you know what I discovered???? Half, maybe even more, of these applications sent from all over the world are UNTYPED. Yeah, I was shocked too. Untyped.

No, I wasn't too concerned about college. I had other things on my mind, things that best be kept unsaid till the appropriate time. Let's just say that this girl knew she couldn't have what she wanted:

A dancing Elmo.

Yesterday, I got a dancing Elmo for Christmas. Okay, okay. I'm being stupid. But truly, that was one bizarre moment in my life, one I have fought to avoid ever since. (though I did get a dancing Elmo for Christmas. And new Elmo slippers, and earrings...

And now, I'm looking back, into a time that seems so surreal, like it never happened.

Next year, I have no idea what I'll be doing. I'll be just as surprised as you will be, that's for sure. Maybe I'll be at some graduate school doing public health research. Or maybe I'll be in India doing research on medical practices, health policy, music, language, art. Or perhaps I'll be married (ha ha ha ha, at the rate I'm going? Right!). At any rate, I will not be in front of a classroom teaching biology to under-privileged students. For all of you frightened people who have heard me say I am going to be students' worst nightmare—setting my desk on fire on the first day with gasoline shouting threateningly “this is gonna be h-e-double hockey stick”--you can now take a deep sigh of relief. Not gonna happen any time soon. That's unless a bolt of lightening strikes.

But I am not afraid of what my future holds. Rest assured. I have not given up entirely in despair. Quite the contrary. It takes much more for a Babar to stop rolling. In fact, I have a rush of ACh and epinephrine shooting around in my neurons. Could really be the fright, fight, flee triggering off. But maybe not....
Perhaps Ginny said it best:

If You Want Me To
~Ginny Owens
The pathway is broken
And the signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to

Chorus:
Cause I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
so if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will go through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone

So when the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the valley
If You want me to

When I cross over Jordan, I'm gonna scream, I'm gonna shout.